Episode 609
609- The Tricky Part about Forgiveness
Forgiveness can get complicated when we assume everyone views it the same way that we do. In episode 609, we discuss how forgiveness can exist on a spectrum, why consideration matters, and what happens when someone else’s version of forgiveness doesn’t match your own.
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Transcript
Hey, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:You were listening to another episode of the Spiritual Homegirl podcast where you better self in spirit and make peace with the day through wisdom, education, and practical, easy to follow tips.
Speaker A:I am your host, Maria, your spiritual homegirl, who's also a mental professional.
Speaker A:And today I wanted to talk about the tricky part of forgiveness.
Speaker A:And the tricky part of forgiveness is that it's subjective.
Speaker A:And a lot of times people don't like to talk about these things because it causes you to see that there's truths that can exist outside of your own.
Speaker A:When I also say you, I also mean we, because I'm never above the collective right.
Speaker A:But a lot of times we tend to think that people's ideologies surrounding forgiveness is similar to ours based on our social programming or our programming through life experiences or a program or combination, excuse me, of both.
Speaker A:And that's not true.
Speaker A:And the tricky part about it is that it's so subjective.
Speaker A:A lot of times the styles are incompatible, if they even exist and people don't realize it, and then that creates other problems.
Speaker A:For example, right?
Speaker A:Forgiveness for some could be a social construct, meaning that's just a set of ideals that people just choose to adopt.
Speaker A:But the way that operates looks different.
Speaker A:So even though there could be a hundred people in a room that can buy into the social construct of forgiveness, it could look a hundred different ways.
Speaker A:For some people, they can forgive and forget.
Speaker A:They can forgive and not forget.
Speaker A:And then there are some that will vary, and then there won't be some that choose to forgive at all.
Speaker A:Or there'll be some that choose to forgive on their own terms and won't tell you nothing about it because forgiveness for them is about them, not about us, the people that forgive me.
Speaker A:Or there's people that feel like forgiveness is a mutual closure type of conversation where it's.
Speaker A:It could be depending on, again, you know, some type of programming, whether it's religious programming or social programming, what have you.
Speaker A:It could be super quick, even if they don't quite process the things they've gone through.
Speaker A:Or some people will say, I'm not giving nothing until I finish processing.
Speaker A:And that could take years.
Speaker A:And then there are some people that'll say, no, I don't choose to forgive, but that doesn't mean I'm going to be miserable.
Speaker A:It just means that I choose to live my life in a way that has nothing to do with you and you're not a factor.
Speaker A:And then there's some people that will say, you know, I may choose to just say, God, Forgives.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:And that's people.
Speaker A:Everybody has a right, and everybody's rights are just that.
Speaker A:And we don't really get to dictate how people choose to forgive us if we wrong them.
Speaker A:That's why it's important for us to treat people properly and treat people how you want to be treated.
Speaker A:That's also subjective.
Speaker A:That's where that gets tricky, because some of us are more solid than others, and some of us may look at things a little differently.
Speaker A:And because things are not communicated properly or expectations are not communicated, that leads to problems.
Speaker A:But the key to that is communicating and maybe even consideration of such.
Speaker A:Like if we know that there's a person that doesn't quite look at forgiveness the way we do, and we look at forgiveness a way where it's just h. How do I say it?
Speaker A:You know, let me even go backwards.
Speaker A:Sometimes we look at forgiveness half hazardly, and that's for people who do wrong by others and then just say, oh, well, I'll just ask for forgiveness later.
Speaker A:Who says that's guaranteed?
Speaker A:Because it's not.
Speaker A:It's not a.
Speaker A:It's not a guaranteed process.
Speaker A:So consideration would be good so that we're not hurting people and then ruining bonds or ruining relationships that are either emerging or that already exist because we want to do what we want to and we expect them to view forgiveness the way we do.
Speaker A:So that's the tricky part of forgiveness that people don't talk about.
Speaker A:Again, it's a social construct for many.
Speaker A:So it's something that people just believe as a concept, but it looks different.
Speaker A:It's on a spectrum.
Speaker A:Forgiveness is absolutely on a spectrum, but it's also not owed to us.
Speaker A:And we have problems when we start thinking that people think the way we do.
Speaker A:So again, the way to combat that is to treat people properly, not necessarily two people to want to be treated.
Speaker A:Meaning.
Speaker A:I'm not saying treating people bad, but it's treating people with consideration.
Speaker A:Because some people don't consider themselves in nothing.
Speaker A:So how can we.
Speaker A:How can we want them to be considerate?
Speaker A:Because they don't even consider themselves.
Speaker A:So treating people the way you want to be treated.
Speaker A:If a person doesn't view consideration as a sign of respect or as something that's worth valuing, they're gonna treat folks that way.
Speaker A:I mean, we treat each other based on our value systems, whether they strong or not or whether they are recovering from not being as strong or not, whatever it is.
Speaker A:So to look at other people and say, oh, well, I wouldn't do that to you, so you shouldn't do that to me.
Speaker A:I get it.
Speaker A:But everybody doesn't move with that same consideration.
Speaker A:And if that's you that decides to just move how you want to move and then ask for forgiveness later, I challenge you to ask yourself, is it worth sacrificing a bond because you needed to do something that was self grat?
Speaker A:Because a lot of times that's how bonds get broken.
Speaker A:Somebody does something that's self serving and doesn't consider the person that they're causing harm to or a person they hurt or they underestimate the amount of harm they're about to cause by what they do, but they want to do what they want to do anyway, so they do it.
Speaker A:And then they get surprised when a person doesn't want to fool with them no more, or chooses to forgive from a distance or not at all because of the things that they do.
Speaker A:And in this type of time, this is not really the time to be burning bridges.
Speaker A:And what I mean by that is it's also not the time to be entertaining people.
Speaker A:That's not good for your mental health either, especially your emotional health and your spiritual health and physical health, of course.
Speaker A:But the way times are, we would hope that community will be stronger because of the circumstances at hand.
Speaker A:But unfortunately you will see that going back to desperation, being a terrible life partner from a previous episode, that's what episode 604 sometimes you'll see people move in desperate ways.
Speaker A:And even though we can see that there are certain things that folks feel like they have to do, even though they may or may not have to do anything, it still can put a lot of things in jeopardy concerning like the relationships with other people.
Speaker A:And going through these times alone, I wouldn't recommend it.
Speaker A:As your homegirl who loves you and wants to see you in the times that are happening right now.
Speaker A:And it's not to fear Monger, but this is where community should be getting stronger and banding together.
Speaker A:And when I say community, I mean your village.
Speaker A:This is where y' all should be linking up and and teaming up together and seeing who's strong at certain things and putting things in good use and protecting each other and supporting each other.
Speaker A:And unfortunately that doesn't always look like that.
Speaker A:You'll find yourself needing to protect yourself from people in your own village or leaving the village entirely.
Speaker A:And again, that's your right.
Speaker A:You got to do what you got to do to protect your mental health.
Speaker A:You got to do what you got to do to protect your emotional and spiritual health, your financial health, your physical health, whatever it is.
Speaker A:But for those who out here burning, burning bridges and breaking bonds in this time, because you moving how you want to move, like your feelings are the only ones that matter.
Speaker A:Saying when you come to your senses and you decide that you want to make amends, please make amends with yourself first because you may or may not get that reciprocal forgiveness from the person that you cause harm to.
Speaker A:So that's what I wanted to put on Yalls heart about the tricky part about forgiveness, don't forget, if you'd like for me to speak at your school or at your job or with your co workers or at your team or with your employees, let your girl know because I'm actually back doing wonderful things behind the scenes.
Speaker A:And that includes trainings and workshops and all kinds of cool things that are about bettering yourself and spirit from, you know, and making peace with the day.
Speaker A:Like I said before, through wisdom, education and practical, easy to follow tips.
Speaker A:I'm really excited to do that and I've been doing that for many years now, actually.
Speaker A:I just haven't talked about it on the podcast a lot.
Speaker A:But because we're coming up on year 10 of the spiritual Home Girl Podcast, it's only fitting that I start talking more about everything because I do a lot of cool stuff and it's worth sharing, okay?
Speaker A:So don't forget again, hit me up Maria, spiritual homegirl.com if you would like like for me to do something of that nature and we can talk about what that can look like and see what the budget is and we can go from there.
Speaker A:And don't forget to sign up for my email list, click the second link in my show notes and I will catch you all on the next episode.
Speaker A:So this has been another episode of the Spiritual Homegirl Podcast.
Speaker A:My name is Maria, your spiritual homegirl.
Speaker A:And remember, boo friends, trust the journey, trust yourself, and whatever you do, do it with love, okay?
Speaker A:Love y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Peace.
